dear baby...

hey, you guys!

i get tons of mail. most people want to tell me how great i am, some send me gifts and others write looking for advice. that's probably because i am so worldly and smart. people seem to think i have all the answers. and that's because most of the time i do. people also like how clever i am. can i help it if i was born witty? but enough about me...

the following is a letter i recently received and the response that i dictated to my personal assistant, tara reid. yup, that tara reid. i call her tried, for short. treid's been unable to get work as an "actress" recently and getting me coffee is the only job that she is qualified to do that doesn't require her to take off her clothes. besides, treid likes to party. and baby likes to party. and therefore baby likes treid. i feel like i am someone that tara can look up to, i can be the role model treid needs to set a positive example.

welcome on board, treid!

i don't believe that alcohol and drug abuse are the biggest problems that treid needs to address. she obviously has more pressing concerns like common sense and self-respect. she showed up for her first day in the above outfit looking like a cross between ET and eminem! i vow to step in and fill whatever emotional void treid is trying to fill by dressing like an idiot. baby will fix this hot tranny mess named tara reid!

anyhoo, back to my letter. the name of the author has been changed to protect the privacy of my adoring fan.

dear baby,

i love you! you are the cutest baby ever! i read your blog all the time and i think you are the best! no, really, you are awesome! can i have a job? i'm in between work right now and am thinking of a career change!

my past skills include baking pie and getting really really wasted! a lot! i mean legendarily wasted! the kind of wasted that makes you famous!

sincerely,
Feeling Ugly Can Kill While in Toilet!

i replied:

dear FUCKWIT!

do you know what a period is? cool it on the exclamation points! if you talk with that kind of punctuation, you must be as annoying in person as you are by mail! haha just kidding, sweetie! you're awesome too!

it just so happens that i have an opening... so, yes you can have a job. just try to keep a lid on the chatter, sweetie. the sound of your voice makes blood shoot out of my eyes. if you can remember that i take my martini shaken not stirred, we'll get along just fine.

f.y.i. FUCKWIT, you have to have a career to be able to change it! *giggles.*

xoxo. baby.