dear baby...

hey, you guys!

i get tons of mail. most people want to tell me how great i am, some send me gifts and others write looking for advice. that's probably because i am so worldly and smart. people seem to think i have all the answers. and that's because most of the time i do. people also like how clever i am. can i help it if i was born witty? but enough about me...

the following is a letter i recently received and the response that i dictated to my personal assistant, tara reid. yup, that tara reid. i call her tried, for short. treid's been unable to get work as an "actress" recently and getting me coffee is the only job that she is qualified to do that doesn't require her to take off her clothes. besides, treid likes to party. and baby likes to party. and therefore baby likes treid. i feel like i am someone that tara can look up to, i can be the role model treid needs to set a positive example.

welcome on board, treid!

i don't believe that alcohol and drug abuse are the biggest problems that treid needs to address. she obviously has more pressing concerns like common sense and self-respect. she showed up for her first day in the above outfit looking like a cross between ET and eminem! i vow to step in and fill whatever emotional void treid is trying to fill by dressing like an idiot. baby will fix this hot tranny mess named tara reid!

anyhoo, back to my letter. the name of the author has been changed to protect the privacy of my adoring fan.

dear baby,

i love you! you are the cutest baby ever! i read your blog all the time and i think you are the best! no, really, you are awesome! can i have a job? i'm in between work right now and am thinking of a career change!

my past skills include baking pie and getting really really wasted! a lot! i mean legendarily wasted! the kind of wasted that makes you famous!

sincerely,
Feeling Ugly Can Kill While in Toilet!

i replied:

dear FUCKWIT!

do you know what a period is? cool it on the exclamation points! if you talk with that kind of punctuation, you must be as annoying in person as you are by mail! haha just kidding, sweetie! you're awesome too!

it just so happens that i have an opening... so, yes you can have a job. just try to keep a lid on the chatter, sweetie. the sound of your voice makes blood shoot out of my eyes. if you can remember that i take my martini shaken not stirred, we'll get along just fine.

f.y.i. FUCKWIT, you have to have a career to be able to change it! *giggles.*

xoxo. baby.

nyc, baby! on the VIP list.

yo yo yo!

in nyc auntie haiku knew all the cool places to go. for instance, there was a speakeasy called "dare not speak my name" or "don't tell about me" or something like that. i couldn't tell even if i wanted to because i can't remember what it was called. all i know is that it was super secret and super exclusive. so auntie haiku made us resos and we went for afternoon cocktails. the only thing better than afternoon cocktails is getting loaded at lunch. but that's another story entirely...

the phone booth.

so to get to this speakeasy, you have to go to this dump of a hotdog shop. after you come in, you go to a phone booth, pick up the receiver and say "hello?" then the back wall to the phone booth opens inward and you get ushered in to this hip little bar with leather banquettes. it was super cool!

make way! hot stuff coming through!

i have to admit, the place seemed to be a bit of a fire hazard but that was part of the fun. pretty soon we were all drunk enough that no one cared.

gettin' loaded after a long day of shopping.

the drinks were delish and totally unusual. the menu asked us not to tell anyone what was in them. those drinks were TOP SECRET, bitches!

also, they served hot dogs. at first i thought gross! and then i heard it was a hot dog that was wrapped in bacon and deep fried and smothered in kim chee. holy shit! that was some dog!

loaded.

per usual, i got a little drunk and climbed onto the taxidermied animals hung on the walls. some people drunk dial, others drunk text... i drunkidermy.

xoxo. baby.

spring break 2009: baby goes to margaritaville.

while i was in the dominican republic, i managed to catch up on my personal reading. as you can imagine, the life of a baby is a hectic flurry of glamorous activity in the city. that is why i like to occasionally travel to third-world countries to exploit the local economy in order to relax, unwind and catch up on my reading.

baby is an intellectual.

one afternoon shortly after arriving, as i was reading by the pool, a very handsome gentleman approached me and said something in a very heavy spanish accent. i said, "thank you, pedro, fresh towels in my room would be lovely." he looked a little confused and proceeded to offer me margarine. i said, "no thank you, i don't eat butter substitutes made of hydrogenated oils." he said, "no, no, senorita... margarita!"

"well, it does look delightfully refreshing," i noted cheerfully, "what's in it?" "tequila," he said. "mother's milk!" i replied.

baby's first margarita!

it was delish! i turned to my new found friend pedro and asked if this sweet nectar came super-sized. alas, we were unable to communicate due to what became painfully obvious as pedro's limited capabilities in english. i patted him on the tush and waved him away.

baby's second & third margarita, and a mai tai for good measure!

needless to say i spent the rest of the afternoon getting schmammered. my spanish improved greatly that afternoon as i learned that margarita is spanish for "let's get this party started!"

xoxo. baby.

nyc, baby! baby = art and the blog is born.

well hello, adoring fans...

i can imagine that some of you wonder how baby became the blogging phenomenon that she is. well, here is the story behind it:

daddies km and j took me to the metropolitan museum of art. daddies are cheap and didn't want to pay my admission fee. i don't know what the men at security desk's problem was when they found me hiding in daddy km's murse, but they gave us funny looks and said, "we won't even ask." how rude!

first we went to roman statuary. i wanted to pretend i was a statue. statues are cool. while daddy j was taking my picture, another rude security guard came up and yelled at us. he said that i shouldn't stand so close to the statue. so i moved away and the minute the guard turned away i flipped him the bird and moved closer again. nobody tells baby what to do!

"defiance, in profile."

then we went across the room to take more pictures. ANOTHER security guard yelled at us from across the room. they are some uptight at the met! it was at that time we realized our mission to take pictures would need to be more covert. special agent baby, operation: insubordination.

"big head series #17."

so then we went upstairs. we were wandering around for about an hour when a security guard approached us. what the fuck is it now, i wondered. he asked, "are you doing an art project?" we had no idea what he was talking about. "you were taking pictures of the baby downstairs," he said, pointing at me. "everyone is talking about it. word travels fast."

it was at this moment i realized that i had achieved celebrity status. people were whispering, "who's that?" and "what is she doing?" and they were whispering it about me wherever i went. people can instinctively tell that there is something special about me, that i am not like other babies.

"damn straight," daddy j told him, "this is an art project and baby is our muse."

"ooohhhh!" he exclaimed. "she's so beautiful! i want to see more!" he then gave us carte blanche to do whatever we wanted for pictures, as long as we didn't use a flash. what a nice man after all, my very first fan!

"little head series #32."

so that afternoon, i decided that baby was too special to be put in a corner. i decided that it was my responsibility to blog my adventures for those less interesting than me, because i care about the little people! i have so much to give, and that way people can read all about me and see my pictures.

it wasn't an easy decision. i am sacrificing much for fame. take my privacy, for instance. people write me all the time, they want to know who i hang with (only cool peeps), where i go (the hottest spots) and what i wear (dolce and gabbana, bitches!). they want to know my intimate thoughts, the sordid details of my escapades (it's lucky juju can't read!), my advice for getting poop out of cloth diapers. it is a heavy burden, but somebody's got to bear it!

enjoying a coffee after much art-making.

after we finished taking pictures, we went to the cafe for refreshments. the security guard was right, everyone was stopping to stare and whispering about me. at one point a small mob of paparrazi gathered to take my picture. eat your heart out, paris hilton!

so stay tuned, there's lots more baby to come!

xoxo. baby.

spring break 2009: baby builds a sand castle.

there was lots to do at the resort, like promise some dude named juan carlo that we would run back to our rooms and bring him all our money in exchange for cheap trinkets. "oh, juan carlo! of course we'll be right back. we would never forget about you!" ... sucker.

the frugal person's swimsuit.

and there was the beach. girls like to complain about sand in their swimsuits. you know what i say? fuck a swimsuit, go european!

i also got to build my first sand castle. all my new friends helped me. truth be told, building sandcastles is boring as shit. you pile up some sand and the surf comes and washes it all away. i like efficient, productive activities with some sort of point. i get that from daddy j's side of the family.

working hard or hardly working?

what's the best part about building a sandcastle? beer and daquiris!

the moment i realized i should have been wearing a swimsuit.

xoxo. baby.

nyc, baby! times square.

hey yo!

back in january, daddies j and km took me to new york city! nyc was actually the place where my idea to start my blog happened. but more on that later...

freezing my tits off in times square.

while we were in nyc, daddy km wanted to go see a show. i share daddy j's sensibilities on entertainment. musicals: thumbs down. as far as movies go: kids, animals or cartoons - thumbs down, thumbs down, thumbs down. strippers and binge drinking: two thumbs up!

but we love daddy km so we humoured him. and by "humoured" i mean "froze our asses off in times square to get tickets."

a blustery day to stand in line for theatre tickets.

we ended up getting tickets to "avenue Q." it was okay. there was a lot of puppet baby-making that daddy j had to cover my eyes during. "everybody's a little bit racist" was my favourite song. it reminds me of glenn beck: blatant, shameless racism. sigh. he's so dreamy.

random dragon parade.

there was lots to do and see. we ate and shopped and ate and shopped and ate and shopped. okay, there wasn't that much to do but we did a lot of eating and shopping. because the american economy is in the toilet, everything was on super-sale and you know how baby loves a good bargain!

high kicks!

i auditioned for "a chorus line." they said i was really good but too short for the role. but now we are in talks for me to headline a show on broadway with back up dancers and everything. it's gonna be a mixture of a little bit of comedy, a dash of live music, and a pinch of dancing, a la bette midler. the working title is "will ferrell is a chach."

where's waldo doesn't have anything on me!

more to come...

xoxo. baby.

spring break 2009: baby does duty free.

'sup, dawgs!

cigarettes and booze at tax free prices? mi dios! i almost dropped a load in my diaper!

i am going to let you in on a little secret: baby is very frugal. i like to save money wherever i can. take toilet paper, for instance. i don't use any, just a nice little bum cloth. reusable, environmentally friendly and cheap like borscht! ...so when i saw the deals at the duty free, i couldn't resist myself!

can i get some help reaching the top shelf?

i was going to save a whole 35 cents on this bottle! i figured i could put it in diaper bag for emergencies. until something caught my eye from the top shelf.

that's more like it!

that's more like it! if there is anything that baby likes more than a good deal, it's hard liquor! and, for $4.62 in savings, i could carry this bottle around for 4000km and 24 hours of travel time. it's a small price to pay.

baby is a label whore.

dolce and gabbana is one of my favs. they're so cool! i only wear the real thing. knock-offs are for chumps! at $350 USD, these were a steal at the duty free!

a little something for juju.

i made a quick stop by the fragrance isle. only "aqua di gio" for juju, it's his signature scent!

xoxo. baby.

baby *hearts* tatas.

ciao, bellas and bellos!

a while back, daddy j took me to shaker's lounge. apparently, it is a kingston institution for fine entertainment. who knew?!?!

hot baby!

anyway, we went with a big group of people. we all sat in pervert's alley. i asked daddy j what a pervert is and he told me that a pervert is a man who supports the local economy.

we saw amazing things at shaker's! there was a lady who used her body, two big tubes of glow in the dark paint and a big salt shaker filled with glitter as a t-shirt making machine. the lady in thigh-high latex boots who got on stage next seemed irritated by all the glitter on the stage. i told her, "you think the glitter on the stage is bad? you should have seen that other woman's va-jay-jay!"

the t-shirt maker came back later with 4 fiery batons and proceeded to make us understand where the term "hot babes" comes from. whoa caliente, mamacita!

the big man with tattoos didn't like us taking pictures.

for the finale, 2 ladies, a kiddie pool filled with sudsy water and sponges, and five people from the audience got on stage and had a bubble bath. super fun! i wanted to join but daddy j said that he had to draw a line somewhere. i can't wait to go back, we had so much fun!

xoxo. baby.

spring break 2009: the poolside report in haiku.

baby went away
to the dominican isle.
warm and sunny, yea!

baby chillin' by the pool.

the service was shit
rude, slow and unresponsive.
can i get a fork?

beautiful mr. sun
was the only kind person
who served us sweet shine.

the kiddie pool, adjacent to the fat person pool.

big frog by the pool
for children to play and laugh
you look stupid, frog.

where's baby?

baby loves to slide
down into the cool water
i drink from the pool.

the yellow cloud of
pee that surrounds me, i hope
no one notices.

there i am!

fat people like beached
whales hog all the umbrellas
ouch! i am burning.

sally and i felt an immediate bond.

i made a new friend
i found sally by the pool
we got to talking

i told her about
the nice bartender jorge (hor-heh)
at the swim up bar.

jorge makes a mean
margarita with four big
shots of tequila!

sally said "whoa, papi!
dos margitas por favor!"
jorge i.d.'d her.

i said, "sally babe,
you're bringing me down." i left
her where i found her.

xoxo. baby.

spring break 2009: baby learns to swim.

there comes a time in every young ingenue's life when she must brave the cold waters of urine contaminated public pools and learn to swim. at least, this is the conclusion i came to after 7 margaritas.

safety first!

i "borrowed" (= stole) my wings from a nearby stranger. she gave me the stink eye but her mommy told her to be nice, that sharing is good. she cried a little. i said, "honey, big girls don't cry!" and i helped myself.

arial view: building up the courage.

swimming is scary. especially with all the european men in banana hammocks around. gross!

i am ready for my close-up!

finally i noticed the swim-up bar on the far side of the pool. like a fat kid to a smartie i was over there pronto! many of my admirers said that i reminded them of michael phelps. without the bong, of course! who knew learning to swim would be so easy?