spring break 2009: d-bag safari.

so our resort was filled with d-bags. daddy j called it a d-bag convention. i asked him what that meant. he told me it was kind of like a big group of cockroaches in billabong shorts with boyband hair. ah, mi comprendo!

for seven days and seven nights, we hunted the d-bag like wild game, documenting its every move...

douche en repose.

the d-bag is an energetic and social creature. it never sleeps. it also never travels alone. daddy j says that this is a co-mutual grooming technique for their fragile egos.

segway 1, d-bag 0.

although we did not have an opportunity to dissect one, it would seem that the d-bag has a brain the size of a pea; it is not very smart. this one lost a battle of the wills with a segway. when it fell off, the man who owned the segway thought it best to banish the d-bag from riding it any further.

"frostylocks" was particularly elusive.

the mating call of the d-bag is "aieaieaieaieaiiiieeeee!!!" it appears that the d-bag was in heat as we heard it make this noise at all times of the day, even at breakfast.

comparing genitalia.

daddy j thought that all d-bags looked the same. but auntie haiku began to notice subtle differences between members of the species. some had hair on the top of its head, some on the bottom. we nicknamed the one on the left "chinstrap."

chinstrap: "seriously, dude, mine is THIS big!"

xoxo. baby.

glenn beck is dreamy.

hey y'all!

i have a new crush. juju and i are exclusive but that doesn't mean that i am not allowed to look. my new crush's name is glenn beck. glenn (we are on a first name basis) is part of the larger umbrella of foxnews. foxnews is awesome. don't let the name fool you, it has nothing to do with news. it's kind of like the TV version of grapenuts.

glenn is so smart. under "education" wikipedia describes glenn as,

a "self-educated" man. He claims that he "spent more time in the parking lot than in class." As he began to recover from alcoholism, he decided he would throw everything he knew out and start from scratch. He began reading by having a book in every room. He read things that would contradict each other (ex. Nostradamus vs. Pope John Paul).

amongst glenn's other great ideas, glenn thinks that capturing illegal immigrants, then pointing guns at and kicking them furthers the american ideal of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. i think glenn should petition to amend the constitution! this is a picture of me and glenn:

raisin' the roof for glenn: the baby seal of approval!

isn't he so handsome? doesn't he just have the whitest skin?

glenn's favourite saying to describe something amazing is "it'll make blood shoot out of your eyes!" *giggle* he has such a way with words. check him out!

daddy j says that i shouldn't watch so much of glenn on TV, that he will pollute my mind. when people talk about glenn like that it makes blood shoot out of my eyes. glenn beck would say that daddy j is just an immigrant-loving liberal.

xoxo. baby.

spring break 2009: baby gone wild

ola amigas & amigos.

sorry it's been a while since my last post. daddy j took me to the dominican republic. i had mucho fun. there is so much to tell you about! we went "all-inclusive," which in dominican republic-speak means, "drink the price of your trip in margaritas." daddy j says that it's good to have goals on holiday, it provides structure.

my new do.

do you like my new hair-do? i went a baby and i came back a dominican princess.

we had to be at the airport super early. uncle iz took a nap.

3:24 a.m., i was the only one of my traveling companions 100% awake.

i made sure to bring my passport. otherwise those humourless people who work at the airport at 3 a.m. would say, "no way, jose!" and make me stay home. fuck that, i was going dominican or bust!

get thee to a margaritery!

daddy j, auntie haiku and i shared a room. we had lots of laughs over the week. we also made an new friend. his name is presidente. the invisible people who kept taking our towels and not replacing them left bottles of him in our fridge everyday.

auntie haiku and i were super excited!

more to come!

xoxo. baby.

i wish that eddie murphy was my daddy.

'sup!

eddie murphy has just agreed to pay $50,000 per month for his daughter until her 18th birthday. she's only 1 years old. i don't know how to count but that is mucho dinero. daddy km says we're gonna see a lot more shitty eddie murphy movies. i didn't tell my dads but i wrote eddie murphy a letter:

whazzup, ed murph!

my name is baby. i am super cute (please see my picture included). i need a nice, generous daddy like you. currently i live with poor people. life sucks here. want to adopt me? fyi, you crack me up. i think that you are hilarious when you dress up like a fat old lady. daddie murphy has an especially nice ring to it, don't you think?

xoxo. baby.

p.s. scary spice always made me wet the bed too. can you guess who my fav spice girl was?

$50 000 please!

besides, i don't believe that tranny hooker thing for a moment. eddie's gonna be the best dad! we're gonna be such a happy family!

xoxo. baby.

meet auntie haiku.

scholem-aleichem!

this is auntie haiku. she is teaching me how to write japanese poetry. i think that i am pretty good.

my name is baby,
the baby with one lone curl.
i wear a diaper.

baby jaeggy bombs,
they are my favourite drink
even more than milk.

my boyfriend juju
can benchpress my petite frame.
he is big and strong.

uncle hicks buys me
stella when we go out. we
party like rockstars.

my daddies tell me
i should behave myself. NO!
baby loves party.

me and auntie haiku.

xoxo. baby.

auntie em's bday - part four

uh-oh. my daddies weren't so happy with me.

here comes trouble!

as the party was winding down, my dads wanted to go home. after looking for me for ages, they finally found me.

i had too much fun.

passed out on a chair. i know, you're asking yourself, "how could they tell it was baby? this could be any baby passed out face down on a chair at the end of a party." look closely.

my "signature" look.

see that random curl coming out of the back of my head? daddy j calls it my "signature" look. he says that it makes me stand out in a crowd. i love my luscious lock. it makes me look so glamorous. then we all went home and went to bed. and that's the story of auntie em's birthday party!

xoxo. baby.

auntie em's bday - part three

then it was time for cake. everybody sang auntie em happy birthday. and some weird, high-pitched song about loving your rainbow's heart.

baby's first dirty sanchez.

auntie es gave me a "dirty sanchez." mmm, chocolate. but she wasn't done there...

i smell trouble!

no, auntie es, no!

happy birthday, auntie em!

baby likes to party + baby likes chocolate = disaster.

a hot mess.

thank goodness my daddies weren't around to see this one. aunties hamilton and wilkanator came to my rescue and cleaned me up. TBC...

auntie em's bday - part two

i had lots of fun at auntie em's birthday party. people seem to really like me. i was very popular.

going on safari.

i made lots of new friends. we played lots of games.

ride 'em cowboy!

daddy j says i was getting sloppy. i prefer the term, "hot mess."

it's cirque du soleil, bitches!

i put on a show for everyone. it involved lights, music and costume changes.

lemme out, i want to party!

aunties es & em decided i should have a time out. TBC...

auntie em's bday - part one

it was auntie em's birthday. we saw lots of daddy j's old friends who moved away. he misses them lots. i can't believe that a grown man cries that much.

girls just wanna have fun.

auntie hamilton was especially excited to meet me. auntie wilkanator took me under her wing.

me and auntie wilkanator.

i love auntie wilkanator. she's so silly!

auntie es and daddy: not so impressed.

my daddies kinda lost track of me that evening. i gots me up to some hijinx.

baby loves hint o' lime (just like daddy) but scoops will do.

daddy j says that i have to be careful or else i will get a reputation. daddy km says i already have one.

baby getting kinda out of control.

everyone was doing shooters. my daddy j always says that shooters are a social lubricant. i guess you could say i got socially lubricated and stuck my head in a box. TBC...

xoxo. baby.

baby's first tailgate.

picture it, homecoming 2008. daddy j and his friends were skipping their friday afternoon class to go drink beer out of the back of uncle geoff's new truck. i said, "i like beer, i'll drive!" and off we went.

baby behind the wheel.

baby is a very careful driver. i look both ways when i come to an intersection. i use my rearview mirrors often.

checkin' my blindspot.

we were getting pretty close to where we were going. i said, "what's the hold up? let's get this party started!"

coors light is gross and for poor people.

unfortunately, somebody cheaped out at the beer store. i only drink imports if i have a choice.

baby *hearts* tailgating.

there's nothing quite like the taste of beer while in the back of a truck. daddy j calls it the taste of nostalgia. i don't know what that means but i like it!

xoxo. baby.

uncle hicks

meet uncle hicks.

uncle hicks.

his actual name is uncle tom but my daddies say i am not allowed to call him that. they say it is not nice to call people that. they say i will understand when i am older.

say hi to uncle hicks! we like to go to the duke. stella is my fav. uncle hicks likes stella too.

xoxo. baby.

i am an insomniack.

that first night i had trouble sleeping...

4:12 a.m.

at first i thought it was maybe the new surroundings.

4:22 a.m.

what was keeping me awake? the strange noises? the unfamiliar ceiling? was it the really loud, happy people on the street? (my daddies call them "drunk undergrads.")

4:33 a.m.

i tried counting sheep
but i just couldn't sleep.
i lay there in bed
with thoughts of the party in my head.
i didn't know what to do
'til i felt this feeling so new...
(i rhyme just like dr. seuss!)

4:34 a.m.

i was thirsty! i had a little talk with sgt. major and then i went back to bed. no problems sleeping after that!

who's my little guy?

ola, amigos.

i wanted to introduce you to my bf, juju. i met him at a pregger kegger i attended recently. isn't he dreamy? i knew that we were meant to be 'cause he loves doing baby jaeggy bombs as much as i do. and he's not afraid to cry. i like that in a man. we have so much in common! we both like drooling, soft foods and milk. it doesn't all smell like roses though; sometimes we fight over who gets to have their diaper changed first.

my bf

xoxo. baby.

a fine, warm birth.

the breeze brought a slight chill to sydenham manoir that september evening. still, spirits were high. it was daddy j's birthday, and he and daddy m were celebrating their recent cohabitation conglomeration. their friends were all there (except those who weren't), and merriment ensued. daddy j tells me that i was the only gift befitting of such an occasion. and he knew it from the moment he saw the crown of my head.

look pa, no placenta!

aunties es&em dressed me in a soft, 3 ply diaper and gave me a beautiful haircut for the party. daddy j and daddy km were enchanted. daddy km likes to say that i had him at "'sup?"

proud papas.

it was quite the party. in the wee hours i eventually retired to my room where i made myself right at home.

right at home.

xoxo. baby.

babyz in 'da house.

hey y'all, welcome. i'm baby. this is my blog.

i live in kingston with my two dads. they are not "my two dads" as in heterosexual life partners for the sake of situational comedy but rather "my two dads" as in gay. and that's not "that's so gay" gay. they are gay as in "nice, normal homosexual life partners" gay. they are just like you and me. well, maybe more like you than me. but i love them 'cause they're the best. they are teaching me things and taking me places. and you get to read all about it right here. i'm glad you came.

see you soon!

xoxo. baby.